Is it okay to not be okay?

 

Here we are, we have made it to September. My birthday month. I always put a lot of pressure on myself because I know I've completed another year of my life and I use it to reflect. As we all know, I'm normally a frustrated, hot-headed person and this pandemic has taken it up a huge notch. I try to look at every day as a new opportunity to be better than I was the day before, but I just hate it all. I am annoyed at everything. My family, my job, the pandemic... it doesn't end. And instead of going through life like a normal person, I have to lose my mind all the time and start crying, screaming, and freaking out. My parents don't care. Their solution is to "get help" or "go on medication." I've tried the medication. It doesn't help, it only makes things worse. Taking Xanax is okay every once in awhile but it doesn't predict when I'm going to have another breakdown and just show up exactly when I need it.

So my birthday.. I hate that too. I mean I love to hate it. Maybe if I didn't put on so much pressure I would actually enjoy it like I did years ago. I took that day off from work, as well as the day after so I have a long weekend which I am excited about. Every time people ask me what I want for my birthday I usually don't have much of an answer. The list seems to get smaller every year because I don't care about material things anymore. My sister gave me her full bed/dresser form her apartment, so I guess that was kind of her present to me. I got new glasses and I asked for a new computer because mine is old and a piece of shit. The one thing I actually wanted was to write again and see a live show, and I am finally going to be able to do that. I interviewed an actor today who will be performing outside at my favorite theater in New Jersey two days after my birthday! That is one of the best belated birthday presents I can ask for (other than a new job, but it's a pandemic so I'll give that another year). Instead of being so frustrated all the time, I should be grateful for my life. For a good family, still being able to keep my job, and writing every now and then. But sometimes I'm just not okay, and I am trying to be better but it's hard. Here's to another complicated year of ups and downs and getting through each day in the best way possible.