And I Think It's Gonna Be A Long, Long Time
I know I haven't written in awhile. I've been avoiding it mostly because I have no motivation. It's such a weird time right now. There are so many mixed emotions. I almost regret being sad other times for no reason but I guess this is kind of a wake-up call. I should be very lucky. I have a job, a place to live, food to eat, I'm healthy. But I still feel sad. Not just about the situation but about my own life. I thought this whole quarantine would make me appreciate my life and where I'm at (and I do), but it only made me feel even more bitter than I did before.
So let's go back to the middle of March before all of this.... I was extremely unfocused at work. The news is usually on in the common room, and all I would hear about is the virus. I was annoyed. It was affecting my ability to get things done. By March 16, I saw about half of my department was working from home. Why did they get to work from home and not me? I'm more at risk than they are. I panicked and told my mom to get a doctor's note, but we ended up getting an email saying we had the option to work from home anyway. By the end of the week, everyone was working from home. Missing work is probably one of the lowest things on my list, but it was so sad to leave my desk and not know when I would be coming back. It probably won't be until September at this point.
The thing that pisses me off the most is the uncertainty of this whole situation and anyone who knows me knows that I HATE the unknown. It's hard enough being an adult and questioning my entire life path, but I'm doing that even MORE now. I still hate my job. Am I grateful for it? Yes. But it doesn't change how I feel about it. I'm usually able to keep myself sane by writing articles for BroadwayWorld, but I haven't been able to do that because of the pandemic and it hurts. I see people who are in the industry I want to be in (and even the job I interviewed for that I could've gotten) being laid off or furloughed. I think to myself, "Why the hell would I still want to be in journalism after all this?" Not just that, but ARTS journalism. The economy is so terrible and the arts are definitely going to suffer from it before it gets better. It's such a scary time. It sucks not knowing when I'll be able to go see a Broadway show, write another article, go back to work, see friends and extended family, and even go to the mall. I try to stay positive in these tough times but I don't know. I just want to have hope that things will get better soon.
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