Grow Up, Grow Apart

Author's Note: I know I haven't written in awhile. I've been tired/unmotivated. But I have a great topic that's #REAL and not as deep. So here goes...

The one thing about adulthood that everyone can agree on is that it's fucking HARD to make friends. I'm not gonna sit here and sulk about how I don't have many friends because it's always kind of been that way. The first friend I remember having was from summer camp. We were friends during camp but once camp was over, we hung out one time (our moms exchanged numbers) and she came to my birthday party and that was it. I had another friend that I met in first grade and we were friends up until freshman year of high school (minus our falling out in fifth grade). To this day, if someone asks me who my "best friend" is, I would say she was because even though we're not friends anymore, she was the best friend I ever had. After our falling out, we weren't on bad terms or anything, we kind of just drifted apart and had different friends.

In 8th grade, the "CR3W" was created, aka: five of us girls who sat together at lunch and were best friends. I met each of them through different people and we became a group. Throughout high school, my friendships with each of them shifted back and forth, but we remained close. I became irritated with one of them senior year because of her stupid "holier than thou" attitude, so that friendship ended, but I was still friendly with the others. By senior year I was actually irritated with all of them because I wanted to go to college to start fresh but little did I know I would regret throwing that all away.

I had a group of friends freshman year of college, there were six of us. I knew one of the girls from orientation, the rest I met through her and around campus. Like the high school group, we were our own little crew. I liked having a similar group of friends who reminded me of the high school group, especially since it was hard being away from home. By the end of freshman year, I became irritated with about 3/5 of them. One of the girls even invited a few of us to her beach house in the summer and I made my parents pick me up halfway through because I had so much anxiety and couldn't stand being with them anymore. I knew something was off. When all of this happened, I realized that I missed my friends from home more than I thought and reconnected with them again.

When sophomore year of college started, a lot of things changed. One girl from the group transferred schools, the other was busy because she was an acting major, so I was stuck hanging out with the other three (and it became excessive at times). A whole conspiracy thing happened where the three of them (who were attached at the fucking hip) randomly decided they all wanted to transfer (only one of them actually ended up doing it, and I cut the rest of them off halfway through the school year). Typical me was panicking and I said to myself, "FUCK, I need to find some new friends." So, I joined a community service fraternity, which was the best and worst thing to happen at the same time. I loved it and the friends I met, but even a lot of them became weird and cliquey within their little group and of course they included me in everything they did until they decided they didn't want to anymore.

Senior year of college I didn't really speak to anyone. I had a few friends but I realized I was happier not committing to any kind of "group" and just coming and going as I please. It's scary to think that a group of friends could control your life sometimes and it's really not okay. I learned to live life for MYSELF and not for other people, and it made me a much better person. Now, I barely even speak to my old high school group. Last week, I was really sad and reached out to one of them but it didn't seem to go anywhere because our work schedules are so different anyway. The other two only text in the group chat when it's about something stupid or a holiday. I don't speak to anyone from college either. I saw a few of my college friends from the fraternity at a wedding I was invited to 2 years ago but barely any of them spoke to me or gave a shit. They live in a different state anyway, so it's not worth it to be their friend. Luckily, I have one friend at work who I went to high school with, but I don't sit next to him so I don't get to talk to him on a regular basis. I'm trying to become friendly with other people I work with but I've been hurt so many times in the past that it's hard for me to open up to people. It's sad that this is what it's come to.