The Road to Uncertainty

 

It's been about a month since I got fired from my job. How am I doing? I'm not really sure. I'm surviving like everyone else who is unemployed or struggling during this time. Luckily I ended up being eligible for unemployment money so that is one thing keeping me going. I still have a lot of PTSD but I keep avoiding calling for therapy. I know it's not a good thing and I keep telling myself to call or I will blow up and realize I need it when I get myself into an overly emotional situation for no reason. I've been down this road before but this time I actually don't want to work. YES, I said it. Maybe my dad was right. I've worked my ass off for a year and a half and I just left a horribly toxic work environment. Why would I want to jump into something else right away? I would rather do it after working through what actually happened and what I need to do to change going into my next job.

When I think about what actually did happen, I always wonder: "How did it get to this point?" I definitely did not picture getting fired or my exit from this job being so abrupt. I thought I would get another job offer while still working there, allowing me to leave on more pleasant terms. I imagined being able to say goodbye to my coworkers in person and having a potluck like they do for other people who leave the job. I wonder if this job would've been so bad if COVID wasn't a thing. Things weren't so bad in the office I guess. I had a few issues with my boss but I dusted myself off, came back in the next day, and got over it. Working from home wasn't ideal, but it was okay in the beginning. It didn't get bad until later in the summer when the work just wouldn't stop. How could a job be so bad that it spiraled me into losing my mind? I don't even know. I'm not sure if any other job has led me to become so angry and upset. But I hate to admit that I'm glad it happened. I knew this job wasn't for me. My boss hated me and that was clear. The job was boring as hell and so cut and dry that it didn't leave me any room to be creative at all. That is NOT something I want in a job or career. This was one of my first "real jobs" (full time with benefits) but it certainly won't be my last. I know I am better than this situation and I will only grow from here.

So what's next for me? I don't know. I'm applying to jobs but I am doing it just to do it without any kind of emotion or feeling. I don't care as much as I used to because I know what it's like to have a job and it's not that great other than the money. Starting a new job during COVID isn't ideal. Working from home sucks. There is no human interaction. It's all on the computer. So I'm supposed to do an interview and training virtually? What kind of life is that? I feel so unmotivated. I got an email to send pitches as a freelance writer for a Jewish website (I reached out to them a few weeks ago) but I've been avoiding it because I have no idea what I would even write and I'm embarrassed. I got another email from a recruiter and I avoided that too. I even got an offer to be in the virtual audience for my favorite late night TV show but I don't want to do it anymore. I'm still going to do Broadwayworld but since live shows aren't really happening as often because of COVID I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I don't know what I see myself doing anymore. I still have hope that when Broadway reopens there will be a place for me. I still see myself writing but there are other creative things I would like to do that I'm not sure of yet. As terrible as losing my job was, I believe it led me in the right direction.